Adventures in Imperfection · Completely Random · Humor

If You Give a Mom a Day Off: Shiny Objects Part Two

If you give a Mom a day off, she’s going to lay in bed.
While she’s laying in bed, she’ll enjoy pancakes fed to her by an attentive husband and doting children.

Then, she’ll realize she’s dreaming, wake up, and see cobwebs on the ceiling.

She’ll hop out of bed to grab a broom.
The dog will follow her down the hall and bark bloody murder until Mom feeds her.
Mom will go the food container and note that the dog food is almost gone.
She’ll go to drawer, retrieve a pen and write it on the grocery list.

While she’s in the drawer, she’ll notice the two graduation cards that haven’t been given to the neighbor girls.
She’ll think the cards are lame, so she’ll look on Pinterest for more thoughtful ideas.
While she’s pulling up Pinterest on the iPad, she answers a few work e-mails, returns some phone calls and text messages.
Suddenly, she realizes she can’t think and remember that she needs to drink her Spark.

As she gets ready to mix the Spark, she’ll see that all of the clean dishes are in the dishwasher.
So, she’ll empty it.
A wayward cereal bowl reminds her that she hasn’t eaten and that she’s hungry.
She devours the donuts on the cabinet and laments that it was too many carbs.
So, she’ll see if it’s too late to go to yoga or boxing class.

While she’s out in the garage loading her boxing bag, she’ll look outside and notice a weed sticking up in the gravel.
She’ll run out, pluck the weed and glance over at the garden.
The tomatoes look droopy, so she’ll hustle over with a watering hose.
While she’s hooking up the hose, she’s notices with delight…

A Baby Cauliflower!

IMG_2560
Awwww….So cute!
And baby tomatoes!
And bugs….Ewwwww!!
Time for some Seven dust.
But the Seven is in the garage, so she’ll head back over there and see the abandoned gloves and wraps.
Too late for boxing class 😦

So, she’ll go back inside to find the Spark and the dishes and the unanswered e-mail.
She’ll mix the Spark, answer the e-mail and Google ways to get rid of the cicadas that have hatched after being in the ground for seventeen years. (It’s national news, y’all!)

IMG_2562
Objects are actually smaller than they appear. But, these dudes are nasty!

While she’s on Google, she’ll click on an Etsy pop-up, find a cute apron and order it.

Order Here!

Then she’ll read an article on how to be a Happy Homemaker. She’ll check Facebook, watch kitty cat videos and then ‘like’ all the new baby pictures, graduation wishes, and beautiful selfies.

S%&T! How much time has gone by??

Noon. Time for lunch!

She’ll make her son a sandwich, clean up the dishes and notice that the dog has been watching her the whole time.
S%%T!
Dog Food!
She’ll scrounge around for a few kernels, and drop it into the food bowl.
While she’s bent over, she notices a splotch of something on floor.
She’ll go back to the broom closet, retrieve a mop and clean up the splotch – remembering to head back into the bedroom to get the cobwebs.

Immediately, she’ll notice an unmade bed.
She’ll start to make the bed – and realize that it’s time to wash the sheets. She’ll run downstairs, throw them in the washer and scurry back upstairs because she has to pee!

She’ll walk into bathroom and can’t remember why.
Then she sees a messy sink and dirty toilet, so she’ll pull out the cleaning supplies and get to work.
While she’s kneeling on the floor, her knees start to ache and she’ll remember that she hasn’t exercised yet.
She’ll head back out to the garage to put on her running shoes.
While she’s lacing up, she’ll notice that her car is dirty. Why not drive it to the running trail and wash it on the way home?

She’ll decide to get groceries while she’s out.
In the car, to the trail, run three miles, to the store – $250 worth of groceries, wash the car, return back home.
Put the groceries away, start supper, set the table, pick some flowers, mop the floor, run downstairs for a load of laundry.

While she’s down in the laundry room, she’ll notice the Goodwill bags that need to go. She’ll remember that there are some items in her closet that need to be donated, too.
She’ll go to her closet, pull out the old items and decide to color coordinate everything that’s left.
While she’s doing this, she’ll try on some old skirts and be glad that she exercised earlier.
Meanwhile, the supper is burning and the dog still needs food.
Husband will come home to a smoke alarm and a dog on her deathbed. He’ll find his wife surrounded by piles of clothes in the closet and ask,

“So, what did you do all day?”

She’s going to resist the urge to smack him and send him back to the kitchen for supper.
Once supper is finished, she’ll clean up the dishes and notice that the dog is still starving.
Hmmm…forgot to get dog food DAMMIT!
She’ll feed the dog leftovers from supper and remember to be a better dog mom tomorrow.

Once the dog is fed, she’ll wander back to the closet and see the pile of clothes.
She’ll finish up the task and wonder why she’s so tired when it’s done.
Time for bed!
She’ll look at the bed and remember that the sheets are still down in the washing machine.
She’ll do a quick dry, make the bed and fall exhausted onto the clean linens.
While she’s lying there–almost asleep–she’ll notice the cobwebs on the ceiling.

S^%&$*(%%%()#!

IMG_2571

++++++

As inspired by, If you Give a Pig a Pancake by Laura Numeroff with a nod to Shiny Objects.
No Pulitzer Prize will be awarded for this mostly-true mess.  I wanted to spread more levity than literature this morning.

Have a great day, y’all! One more work call, then I’m taking the afternoon off. If you can’t find me, I’m probably out in the yard killing cicadas!

74 thoughts on “If You Give a Mom a Day Off: Shiny Objects Part Two

  1. This was soo entertaining. The thought process behind that was insane. Lol, at the end it made me feel bad for all the mothers out there because she ended up back where she started.

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  2. LOVVEEEEEE IT!!
    o thank you, I needed levity and you served it up absolutely perfectly.
    now I will head upstairs, get dressed for yoga and out of the house before I notice ANYTHING!!!
    (altho i desperately want to read about the cicadas!)

    xoxoxoo
    (Dog FOOD!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Michele,
      I needed levity, too! As for my starving dog without food…she’s outside eating cicadas like they are bon bons. Not even kidding!
      I know you have a little post waiting for me – I’m a little afraid to read it – I remember the words, “Am I really this old?” popping into my head this week.
      Turns out that yes, YES I am! But, what can I do about it, right? Take a day off, that’s what!
      Hope you had a fantastic yoga class! xoxoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. ahhh….i didn’t see this reply before i responded on mine….yeah, that post has to happen. I have a bday in August, maybe then. I tried to change the title but it wouldn’t let me…that was a place holder, and then the post was completely different.
        You know, whatever age we are is better than the alternative, no?
        (guess what I’m doing today at 6 pm after yoga??? Another tattoo!…I’ll post pics!)

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    1. Baahahaha! Well, if perfect means screwing up on a daily basis – then yes! I could be the poster child for (im)perfect!
      Hope you’re doing well, my friend! Thanks for taking the time to read.
      Michelle

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  3. Absolutely love this, Michelle 😉 But hey, being easily distracted isn’t a bad thing. It just means you’re more aware of the world around you!

    At least, that’s what I tell my editor…

    On another note, it’s so true that a Mom’s work is never done. Especially once that new apron gets there 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Great perspective, Ned. That’s what I’m going to keep telling myself every time I stumble over pile created in a moment of awareness.

      Um, how did you know what I plan to do with that apron?!!
      Turns out, it’s already here – just waiting for the right moment to put it to good use 😉

      Hope you’re having a great week. I’m gonna be over and visit very soon. I think I smell bacon?

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  4. HA! Good one, Michelle. One of my son’s (and mine, as well) favorite books was the original in the series — If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.

    And for what it’s worth, I think I need a nap after just reading about your day. Phew.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Mary!
      Are you back from your across the pond adventures? If so, I’m looking forward to seeing the pictures.
      I do love the Mouse book, too. I don’t keep much stuff, but I do hoard books – especially children’s favorites.
      Hope you’re doing well and that you had a great trip! xoxo

      Like

  5. Oh my, woman. Oh my!! Well, at least you’ll be adorable in that apron while you put the cauliflower in the washing machine and cook the sheets. Wait whaaaaaa???!?!?!? 😉

    Love you, dear.

    P.S. Clicking my heels 3 times and hoping they’ll take me to Kansas in July… ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Dani,
      I’m laughing my butt off! How did you ever find my burnt cauliflower and clean sheets recipe?
      Love you, too sister! Still SO AWESOME to see you last week. Tornadoes in the air this evening, so don’t click those heels just yet.
      See you in July! xo

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I love the original story and your crazy twist off it. It’s so ‘motherly.’ It feels like we don’t get anything done, but actually we’ve started enough things to satisfy an army (it’s getting them all done that’s the hard part). Good thing dogs love you whether you feed them or not. Have a great week finding all those shiny objects.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Char!
      How are you? I’ll bet that you all too well about the shiny objects. I’m pretty sure that’s why I can’t write fiction. Imagine if I had characters to chase around in my head while I tried to run a household and not get fired from my day job? You totally need to feed me your secrets.
      Speaking of feeding…my pooch does love me and isn’t starving. I see her chowing down on cicadas right outside my window 🙂

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      1. Ha ha. Ginger used to eat those big bumblebees when she was younger. They’d buzz by her and she’d snap them up in her jaws. So funny. I guess it’s better than poop, and I’ve seen her eat that too. Disgusting! I didn’t let her lick me for a month after I caught her doing that dirty deed. I don’t know if there’s a secret–they say all writers are partially insane, and I believe it.

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  7. Second favorite childhood books (Good Night Moon is #1, Clack, Clack, Moo is #3).

    I hope you have a wonderful afternoon off, and I’m pretty sure that dog of yours is more than okay with people food for dinner 🙂

    PS… when you get around to those cobwebs, keep the broom in your hand and head over to my house, I’m sure I have quite a few to keep you busy…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahhhh….Good night, Moon. LOVE! Yes to Clack, Clack, Moo, too. I think my favorite is “This Much” with the bunnies.
      My dog seems to be surviving (eating cicadas since Mom won’t feed her).
      As for the broom, if I ever get up (over?) to see you, we’ll do much more than sweep cobwebs, my friend.
      I hope you’re doing great! I’ll be over to visit very soon, Josie 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Hahaha! This is pretty typical for me and I blame my kids. I can’t start a task without one of them distracting me and the other one saying, “Mom, did you forget my milk?” I’m in line at the DMV right now and needed a good laugh! xxoo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh crap! The DMV. UGH! Can there be a less happier place?
      Totally laughing at your kiddos asking if your forgot their milk. We moved Dane the basement and now it’s not unusual for me to get a TEXT message asking for food, water, and assistance. Seriously? That little habit is gonna get nipped in the bud or his future wife will despise me forever.
      I hope by the time you get my reply, that you’re finished at the DMV.
      Thanks for stepping away from the mayhem to say hello.
      xoxo
      PS: Loving your Luxe page and FB pictures. Looks like you guys are rocking and rolling.

      Like

  9. Doesn’t this resonate with us all 🙂
    You do realise that if you watched the cobweb you would see the spider devouring all those insects and bugs in your house that you don’t want…and the life of a spider with all her intricacies that you have never noticed before….AND…rested your mind from the rush, rush of life…which would allow you to be in a much better space within 🙂
    Yes, I know…the dog would still be starving 😀
    Do your work Michelle…BUT…you have to do you too, or how can you give from an empty bucket 🙂
    Doesn’t matter if some things don’t get done, even if hubby comes home and starts saying why wasn’t this or that done. You very calmly say that because you prioritised your work AND gave time to yourself, you are now able to give time to him, kiss and a cuddle on arrival and not just crash at night with not enough energy to blow him a kiss 🙂
    It is a great post though, very well written, funny (but not funny because of its reality in most peoples lives 🙂 ), and coming from the heart of someone that enjoys giving to everyone with a love that is always there. Just save a little for yourself my friend 🙂

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    1. Wise words spoken by a friend I will forever cherish and appreciate forever. I see that you have a new post – can’t wait to read. I’ll be over to visit later…after I move those spiders out to the garden. Xo

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Fun post Mama! It is so true. I enjoyed reading about a day in the life. Normally we hear stories of special events or such. Which are great too.

    As an aside Mama, I have a couple of posts up over at https://julienoblog.wordpress.com/ I would advise you skip the essay,it’s not going over big (too much like a lecture I think). “The Medical Situation” and “Elizabeth and Ute” have both been well received.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. A wonderful read! As much as it made my day it also made me just go on a head nodding spree… and look into the corners (no cobwebs cause I got rid of them a day ago, but rest asured they will be swiftly back!)
    And that beautiful thing is an appron!?! If you ask me, its a dress!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello!!! I love seeing you here, Oloriel. Glad to know that I’m not the only cobweb warrior. And yes, the apron is gorgeous – to pretty to get dirty in the kitchen.
      Hope you are doing well – I’ll pop over to see what you’ve been up to. Thanks for stopping by today 🙂

      Like

  12. What a joy to read! Stopped to read this in the middle of a mad trail of unfinished tasks, including not feeding my dog. Thank you for a delightful distraction from my own mayhem 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Bea!
      So nice of you to stop by and share your own bit of canine mayhem 🙂
      Glad you enjoyed and wishing you a distraction-free day. Though…what fun would life be if it were a straight path. 🙂

      Like

  13. This is why being single has its advantages. I’m so glad my domestic, motherly, wifey days are behind me. 😀

    “So, what did you do all day?” She’s going to resist the urge to smack him and send him back to the kitchen for supper.

    LMAO

    Aren’t you glad hubby wasn’t horny that night?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Mama brag -> my 16yo hit his first high school home run yesterday! And hit another one for good measure today 😀 Hope your baseball weekend is knocking it out of the park!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. OMG! That is awesome!!! Congratulations, mama! Brag all you want – 2 days in a row is amazing! We just pulled up for a 10:00 pm game because pool play was rain delayed. I love it though 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Ouch! We’ve had 10pm games and have had to stay at a hotel because we were to exhausted to head home afterward! Go win, OK?! And brag away to me anytime 😀

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  14. And now we know why the symbol for infinity is the number Eight, that got it’s butt kicked by the same old same old, ever there and ever new and needing the attentions of a lil mama

    really precious…shows the tenderest nook of your heart peaking out from behind your tuffy puffy front

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    1. Awww….thank you, my friend! I am so sorry to be responding late to your kind comment. I truly did take a few days off and have been playing catch up ever since.
      I hope you are having a fabulous summer. xoxoxo

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  15. And I thought I was the only one who did things like this!! LOL! I have ADD.. formally diagnosed about 25 years ago. I tell everyone I am ADD and OCD… I want everything perfect but not for long! LOL!!
    Loved the story! Great writing as always! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I smiled at the title bc T loved that series. And pancakes…FED her…in bed? Dreaming’s right!

    “She’ll walk into bathroom and can’t remember why.”
    ‘S me!! Dunno whether to laugh or cry.

    I wrote a poem after learning about the cicadas 2 yrs ago. So interesting, those critters. After writing, I realized 17 is the age at which kids fly the nest.

    If You Give a Korean Mama a Day Off…
    She. will. blog. her eyes out.

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    1. Hello Diana!
      So, you’re gonna make fun of me. You popped into my head when I was trimming rose bushes the other day. “Oh dang! I think Diana left me a note and I haven’t read it yet!!” Two seconds later, I was digging rose thorns out my hands and I wandered off to do other things. Here I am – 7 days later?!!?
      Is your cicada poem on your site? I would love to read it. They are dying out all around, but it was an interesting few weeks for sure.
      I hope that you and T and Mr. are having a fabulous summer!
      Blog away, my friend – but, PLEASE- spare the pretty eyeballs 😉 xo

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      1. Goose bumps, Lady D!
        Seventeen is about the age our children leave the nest. So true.
        Your poem was beautiful – I have a lot to learn about the rules of the game. Gorgeous poem, my friend. Thank you for sharing. xo

        Liked by 1 person

  17. You’ve inspired me, Michelle.

    “If you give a dad a pancake … he’ll eat it.

    And fall back to sleep. The end.”

    Thanks for that! And for the insight into the mama’s mind. We men can smell the gears churning and see the steam, but until now could only dream of what went on in the wheelhouse.

    There’ll be a Wordless Wednesday picture post when the apron comes in the mail, right?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. BAHAHA!
      How sad is it that I ordered another apron just TODAY! I loved the first one so much that I needed another. Yaknow – one for cooking in the kitchen and the other for cooking…well, this is a family site 😉
      I loved your take on Dad and pancakes. It’s ten words, but reminded me that I owe you 6!
      If I don’t talk to you before then, have a fabulous Father’s Day! I’m sure your girls will spoil you big time – maybe with pancakes!!!

      Liked by 1 person

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