If you give a Mom a day off, she’s going to lay in bed.
While she’s laying in bed, she’ll enjoy pancakes fed to her by an attentive husband and doting children.
Then, she’ll realize she’s dreaming, wake up, and see cobwebs on the ceiling.
She’ll hop out of bed to grab a broom.
The dog will follow her down the hall and bark bloody murder until Mom feeds her.
Mom will go the food container and note that the dog food is almost gone.
She’ll go to drawer, retrieve a pen and write it on the grocery list.
While she’s in the drawer, she’ll notice the two graduation cards that haven’t been given to the neighbor girls.
She’ll think the cards are lame, so she’ll look on Pinterest for more thoughtful ideas.
While she’s pulling up Pinterest on the iPad, she answers a few work e-mails, returns some phone calls and text messages.
Suddenly, she realizes she can’t think and remember that she needs to drink her Spark.
As she gets ready to mix the Spark, she’ll see that all of the clean dishes are in the dishwasher.
So, she’ll empty it.
A wayward cereal bowl reminds her that she hasn’t eaten and that she’s hungry.
She devours the donuts on the cabinet and laments that it was too many carbs.
So, she’ll see if it’s too late to go to yoga or boxing class.
While she’s out in the garage loading her boxing bag, she’ll look outside and notice a weed sticking up in the gravel.
She’ll run out, pluck the weed and glance over at the garden.
The tomatoes look droopy, so she’ll hustle over with a watering hose.
While she’s hooking up the hose, she’s notices with delight…
A Baby Cauliflower!
And baby tomatoes!
Time for some Seven dust.
But the Seven is in the garage, so she’ll head back over there and see the abandoned gloves and wraps.
Too late for boxing class 😦
So, she’ll go back inside to find the Spark and the dishes and the unanswered e-mail.
She’ll mix the Spark, answer the e-mail and Google ways to get rid of the cicadas that have hatched after being in the ground for seventeen years. (It’s national news, y’all!)
While she’s on Google, she’ll click on an Etsy pop-up, find a cute apron and order it.
Then she’ll read an article on how to be a Happy Homemaker. She’ll check Facebook, watch kitty cat videos and then ‘like’ all the new baby pictures, graduation wishes, and beautiful selfies.
S%&T! How much time has gone by??
Noon. Time for lunch!
She’ll make her son a sandwich, clean up the dishes and notice that the dog has been watching her the whole time.
She’ll scrounge around for a few kernels, and drop it into the food bowl.
While she’s bent over, she notices a splotch of something on floor.
She’ll go back to the broom closet, retrieve a mop and clean up the splotch – remembering to head back into the bedroom to get the cobwebs.
Immediately, she’ll notice an unmade bed.
She’ll start to make the bed – and realize that it’s time to wash the sheets. She’ll run downstairs, throw them in the washer and scurry back upstairs because she has to pee!
She’ll walk into bathroom and can’t remember why.
Then she sees a messy sink and dirty toilet, so she’ll pull out the cleaning supplies and get to work.
While she’s kneeling on the floor, her knees start to ache and she’ll remember that she hasn’t exercised yet.
She’ll head back out to the garage to put on her running shoes.
While she’s lacing up, she’ll notice that her car is dirty. Why not drive it to the running trail and wash it on the way home?
She’ll decide to get groceries while she’s out.
In the car, to the trail, run three miles, to the store – $250 worth of groceries, wash the car, return back home.
Put the groceries away, start supper, set the table, pick some flowers, mop the floor, run downstairs for a load of laundry.
While she’s down in the laundry room, she’ll notice the Goodwill bags that need to go. She’ll remember that there are some items in her closet that need to be donated, too.
She’ll go to her closet, pull out the old items and decide to color coordinate everything that’s left.
While she’s doing this, she’ll try on some old skirts and be glad that she exercised earlier.
Meanwhile, the supper is burning and the dog still needs food.
Husband will come home to a smoke alarm and a dog on her deathbed. He’ll find his wife surrounded by piles of clothes in the closet and ask,
“So, what did you do all day?”
She’s going to resist the urge to smack him and send him back to the kitchen for supper.
Once supper is finished, she’ll clean up the dishes and notice that the dog is still starving.
Hmmm…forgot to get dog food DAMMIT!
She’ll feed the dog leftovers from supper and remember to be a better dog mom tomorrow.
Once the dog is fed, she’ll wander back to the closet and see the pile of clothes.
She’ll finish up the task and wonder why she’s so tired when it’s done.
Time for bed!
She’ll look at the bed and remember that the sheets are still down in the washing machine.
She’ll do a quick dry, make the bed and fall exhausted onto the clean linens.
While she’s lying there–almost asleep–she’ll notice the cobwebs on the ceiling.
As inspired by, If you Give a Pig a Pancake by Laura Numeroff with a nod to Shiny Objects.
No Pulitzer Prize will be awarded for this mostly-true mess. I wanted to spread more levity than literature this morning.
Have a great day, y’all! One more work call, then I’m taking the afternoon off. If you can’t find me, I’m probably out in the yard killing cicadas!